No More Excuses


Society has provided abusers with many excuses that they try to take advantage of to dismiss or justify their actions. I hear these all the time, and I cringe when I do.

There is no excuse for abuse.

Here are some “reasons” I suspect you will recognize:

  • He was inebriated from drugs or alcohol
    • you choose to drink. You choose to abuse. If you get violent when drunk, don’t drink. It’s a choice.
  • He was abused as a child
    • many people are abused as children and go on to make better choices
  • He “corrects” because he cares about me
    • violence is not caring or loving actions
    • you are an adult, not a child to be corrected
  • He has a mental illness
    • If he knows he has a mental illness, he has a responsibility to seek treatment
  • He didn’t mean it
    • yes, he did
  • He was upset about work
    • and how is that your fault?
  • He was stressed
    • so is everyone else in the world
  • He doesn’t know any better
    • yes, he does.
  • He got bad news today
    • so did many, many other people. There are better ways to deal with it.
  • I made him angry
    • anger does not equal violence
  • She dressed too provocatively
    • So? Showing a bit, or a lot, of skin is not an invitation for assault.
      Nakedness is not an invitation for assault.
  • I talked to the wrong person
    • who was that? Do you even know? Is there a right person?
  • I don’t hit you, so it’s not abuse
    • Yes. There are many types of abuse. Physical abuse is not the only definition
  • I disobeyed him
    • Who died and made him God?
  • She is hormonal
    • Yeah… all women experience monthly hormonal fluctuations; all women go through menopause. Not all women abuse. In fact, more men than women are abusers.

An abuser is an excellent blame shifter and deflector. They find very creative ways to make someone else at fault for their actions.

It didn’t matter what I happened in my marriage, I was at fault. If he had a bad day, it was the fault of someone at work who didn’t like it, or had it in for him. If he was driving somewhere, every other driver was out to get him – how dare they not use their signal light, follow too closely, drive faster/slower than him. If the children were disobedient, hyper, not learning quickly enough, it was because I wasn’t a good parent. If the house wasn’t clean it was because I hadn’t done my duty. When he went back to college, he got bad grades because I distracted him; this despite the fact that I encouraged him to quit work while he was in school and worked full time to support us. When he failed at a new job or course it was my fault because I wasn’t supportive enough.

I remember one specific incident after we got back together the first time. I had encouraged him to join a small group through church in the evenings while I stayed home with the children. One night I told him I had discovered a different route to the meeting that was faster and shared it with him. He took the new route and got a speeding ticket in a construction zone on the way. When he got home he was very angry with me and blamed me for the ticket… I was not even in the car. Little things like that happened regularly, but this one was so blatantly absurd that it opened my eyes to his blame-shifting tactics and made me aware of how often he did it. After a while, it became humorous in sad, sick way.

An abuser does not take responsibility for their actions.
They will not accept the natural consequences for their decisions.
They will place blame anywhere as long as it deflects blame from themselves.

It’s time to stop listening to the lies.


Today’s song is The Voice of Truth (by Casting Crowns)


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