Here is an awful insight into me.
I feel worthless.
At my heart, I question myself. I doubt compliments because I can’t see it, I don’t feel it. I see too clearly my faults and failings. I know immediately when I’ve done something wrong, inappropriate, made a poor decision or missed an opportunity. I intimately know every mistake I’ve made, every misspoken, cruel word, every time I’ve been silent when I should have spoken up – for family, friends, strangers or even myself. I have high expectations for myself and I have a tendency to be demanding of me, even when I would easily give grace to others. Some days I hate myself. I see where I could be better, I feel deeply every time I disappoint those who depend on me, who trust me, who think I should be or do better/differently.
I feel unattractive, undesired, unimportant. I know that the only person whose opinion matters is God’s, yet I want people in my life who make me a priority. I don’t want to feel alone anymore.
I worry too much about what others think of me.
I’m worn out. I’m exhausted. This year I’ve struggled with health – mental, physical, emotional – issues and I don’t know how much I have left. I experience stress about my children, finances, co-parenting with an abuser, my divorce (which isn’t finalized), friendships, and more. I get attacks of the “should-haves”, even though I know that’s dangerous thinking to get caught in. I need to give myself grace and to practice self-care.
It’s a lie. I need to recognize it as the greatest deception. I need to take it out and say “wait a minute, I know better than this.”
In my head, I see my value in God’s eyes. In my heart, He continues to reveal Himself, His good plan for my life, and I still fear He is the only one who can truly love me. I still fear that I will forever be alone, unloved.
I am worthy.
I am loveable.
I am loved.
I am valuable.
I am important.
I am desired.
My worth, value and love comes from God and is validated by the people who are important to me. The rest of those people, they don’t matter. They shouldn’t matter. Just as we must choose carefully who we share our story with, who to trust with our hearts, so we must carefully choose who we listen to regarding our value and worth.