I’ve been grieving the past few weeks. The only thing is, I’m not even certain what I’m grieving. Am I “simply” missing my siblings? Am I grieving the things in my life I’m wishing I had, but don’t? Am I grieving things to come? Am I “simply” having a small mental breakdown, or failing to keep up with my life?
My life is on a pretty positive track. There have been a lot of changes for me in 2019. I’ve taken on the leadership of a small non-profit that means a great deal to me. I’m not always certain I’m up to the task, or even the right person, but I’m giving it all I can. My children are maturing, growing and making significant gains. I have great friends who support me.
But …. I’m tired. I’m lonely. I’m sad. I’m often overwhelmed. I want more than I have, and I’m afraid of that wanting, afraid it won’t happen, afraid of even more disappointment in my life.
A friend, who knows the story behind the non-profit, shared that she feels it will end. She made it clear she doesn’t think that will be my fault, she just doesn’t think it is sustainable. That hurts, because it’s an amazing ministry. Because it has also become my dream to see it expand, and I pray God will build it to help so many others! That’s not what’s been bothering me most though… because my emotions have been all over the place since before I spoke with her.
I’m constantly finding myself in tears. Sobbing for no apparent reason. I’m finding it hard to enjoy my life. I’m (temporarily) losing interest in things I love to do. I’m doing them because they are an important part of my self-care, and that helps… but I frequently don’t want to (even though I feel better afterwards!)
I’m greeting 2020 with mixed anticipations. On a professional level, I’m optimistic and planning for good things to happen. On a personal level I’m still hoping for good things to come, but I’m scared of what else the year will bring. I’m worried. I’m sad.
I wish you an amazing year. I wish me an amazing year, despite my fear.